A different kind of school year: staying effective without the overwhelm

For some parents, a new school year feels truly joyful. Back-to-school shopping, gorgeously colored school supplies, a brand-spanking new schedule, and the crisp feeling of a new season create a sense of hope and a desire for a certain outcome.

And for other parents, the start of a new school year brings up memories of the incessant race against the clock, arguments over missing assignments, and subsequent feelings of dread.

Remember this:

Getting focused on an outcome, like a desire for a successful school year, can lead to feelings of resentment when things don’t fall in line with expectations.

Getting focused on the problem can provoke a sense of doom and dread.

Getting focused on an outcome or on anticipated problems can lead to negative emotions and reduce a parent’s ability to be most effective.

What if the goal isn’t to do more or be more…but to be more effective. Effective isn’t about managing everything - it’s about responding in ways that build resilience, connection, and joy.

Here are 10 tips for being effective this school year:

1. Make an intention every morning. Intention-setting is a powerful tool for increasing effectiveness. Setting an intention for the day keeps you focused on how you want to be, rather than focusing on something that you have no control over.

I know a mother, tired of feeling rushed every day, decided to start every morning with an intention to slow down. She woke twenty minutes before everyone else in the family. She slowly and mindfully drank her coffee and reminded herself of her intention. As she went about her day, whenever she noticed familiar feelings of irritability and tension, she slowed down. She practiced this for several months and discovered she was calmer, more attentive and experienced less of an urge to criticize or give unsolicited advice during conversations with her teenage son. She also experienced more energy and a brighter mood at the end of the day.

2. Reduce stress by taking advantage of what the school has to offer. Many schools offer assistance for students who struggle with grades, organization, or attendance. Delegating this task to the school alleviates stress for the parent and frees them of the emotional energy that they need for other things. It also reduces conflict between parent and kids. Ask your school about helpful services that are available to students. If no support is available, check out other options in your community or seek support from other parents.

3. Build mastery. Encourage your kid to learn something new or to participate in one school activity. Learning something new promotes feelings of competence and self-worth. While some kids have no problem participating in extracurricular activities, others are much more resistant. So, keep it simple. Check out YouTube or Pinterest for wealth of inspirational ideas. You can encourage this by joining in on this quest yourself. What’s one new thing you’d like to learn this year?

4. Unplug at night. I predict, given many conversations with parents over the years, that this suggestion may be met with a lot of resistance. But given the fact that devices interrupt sleep and given that there’s a correlation between sleep deprivation and mental health problems, making a rule that everyone in the family unplugs at night is part of being effective. It’s helpful to remember that being effective isn’t always comfortable.

5. Be solution focused. Identify something that was difficult last school year. Maybe it’s feeling overwhelmed with too many obligations. Or perhaps it’s arguments over household chores. Sit down either alone, with your partner, or as a family. Look at the problem constructively. Identify a specific goal and brainstorm possible solutions. Include every possible solution even if it seems unreasonable. Be creative. Then select a solution and put it to action. Evaluate after several weeks. What worked? What did you learn? What might be helpful next time? Remind family members that this is about reducing stress and creating harmony. Thank everyone for their help.

6. Save your energy. Talk less. If you find yourself feeling exhausted by all the reminders that you give to your family, consider using post it notes or providing a list of to-do’s. You can explain it this way, I noticed that I got really exhausted last year because I gave out so many reminders. I’ll make a list of to-do’s and leave it on the countertop every day. When someone forgets their task, give a simple reminder, remember the list! Save energy, talk less. And when someone follows through on a task remember to positively reinforce.

7. Let go of anything that leaves you feeling drained or negative. Do you feel terrible after scrolling on social media? Does gossip leave you feeling drained? Are you weary from too much news? Are you depleted by too many obligations? Parents need lots of emotional resources. Let go of anything that isn’t serving well. Establish practices to ensure wellness. How will you take care of yourself this school year?

8. Look for the positives. When anyone experiences stress, there’s a tendency to notice what’s not right and a failure to notice what’s right. This can wreak havoc on relationships and on one’s well-being. This year make an intention to look for the positives. Consider keeping a gratitude journal or a bullet journal with a list of successes. Know that sometimes kids get annoyed with typical words of praise so find what works – maybe just a smile or nod of affirmation.

9. Praise yourself. Give yourself lots of praise, “Oh wow, look at the way you just pulled into the parking space.” This may seem ridiculous but bringing some positivity into your day can give you the energy that helps you to parent effectively.

10. Lean on your support system. We need each other! Parenting can be challenging so having friends or family members who are supportive and validating is essential. If you don’t have the support and validation that you need, look for it. Establish boundaries with those who leave you feeling weary or judged.

Wishing everyone an effective, joyful, and successful school year!