When nothing you’re doing is working: start here

Distress is hugely uncomfortable – whether we’re frustrated with our kids, annoyed with our spouse, anxious about a recent text exchange, or overwhelmed with the state of our nation.

Our nervous system gets activated and wants relief. FAST!

So, we react!

We raise our voice, criticize, shut down, perseverate, ruminate, blame someone, engage in catastrophic thinking.

It makes sense. When we’re in high distress, our brain looks for the quickest way to cope. We avoid, figure it out, or control it.

Shutting down is a way we avoid discomfort.

Ruminating is a way to try and solve a situation or make sense of it.

Criticizing is a way to regain a sense of control.

These reactions to distress, which make sense, often make things worse. We end up doing things that go against our values or that don’t reflect our true selves. Over time, these strategies have the potential to sabotage us or sabotage relationships.

Learning to tolerate distress requires us to stay with the discomfort long enough so that we can choose a response. This doesn’t mean suppressing the distress. This means being with it. When we are with it, it eventually subsides.

It’s like riding a wave. If we push it away or resist it, we can get pulled under by it. It makes things worse. On the other hand, when we pause and simply notice it, it passes.

And then – and this is what I love so much – we get on the other side of it. We are calmer, clearer and can respond in ways that we feel good about.

One of my favorite ways to ride the wave when in distress is to walk. Walking and noticing what’s around me. Without music. Without ruminating. Without any distractions. This way I can be with the feeling. And when I’m done, I feel calmer, clearer. I know how I want to respond.

As Soren Kierkegaard wrote, “it is solved by walking.” Not because the problem disappears, but because we create the space for a clearer, steadier mind.

Other strategies for riding the wave:

• drinking ice cold water

• calling someone who supports you

• praying

• stretching

• cleaning a closet

• pulling weeds

It’s not just about showing up for others. It’s also about caring for ourselves in the midst of our lives. So, next time distress is high, consider riding the wave.