When your child is hurt: responding with resilience

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

- Viktor Frankl

When we see our kids in pain, it feels devastating. After all, when someone hurts my kid, they also hurt me.

Sometimes it triggers an instinct in us – to fix, protect, or cheer up, “Honey, it’s going to be okay. Those girls weren’t good for you anyway.”

Or sometimes, remembering the angst of our own adolescence, we might spiral into despair. We imagine the worst and predict a catastrophic future.

Or other times we may experience an almost irresistible urge to attack.

But what if this painful moment, is an opportunity to model something powerful? What if instead of taking away the pain, spiraling into despair, or attacking the source of the pain, we stop? What if we remind ourselves that our goal isn’t to prevent hard experiences, but to help our kid build resilience and skills for navigating them?

We cannot control social situations. But we can respond in helpful ways.

Here’s what works:

Pause. Without pausing, we risk giving into natural reactions – fixing, spiraling, attacking. These reactions which can sometimes feel right, end up contributing to problems. For example, these reactions either undermine a kid’s sense of agency or trigger anxiety.

Instead of reacting, pause. When we train ourselves to pause, we are teaching our kids to pause. Over time, this helps us move from emotional reactivity to resilience and wisdom.

So, pause. Breathe. We can remind ourselves that we can be upset and we can also be resilient. We can remind ourselves that our kids can be upset and they can also be resilient.

Validate. Always, always, always validate. Before problem solving, before intervening, before stepping in. Validate.

“That sounds really hurtful.” “No wonder you’re upset.”

Validation is powerful. It reduces emotional intensity and helps to restore smart thinking.

Empower. Our role is to guide. Not control or rescue.

Promoting our kid’s sense of empowerment by maintaining a belief in them. And asking questions, like, “What do you think might help next time?” or “How do you want to handle this?”

Know when to step in. Resilience doesn’t mean that we don’t do anything. Resilience means we know when to step in. If we do, we maintain a wise, grounded, and calm stance. How do you know when to step in? If harm is persistent, safety is threatened, or there’s a major power imbalance.

Of course, if there is ongoing or severe bullying, seek support from you school or from a professional.

Pausing, validating, empowering, and knowing when to step in.

We can’t shield our kids from pain. But we can offer them something powerful - our resilience, our skillful guidance, and our belief that they can handle the hard suff.