When Your Loved One Makes You Angry: What if anger isn’t a problem?

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.”

–Pema Chodron

When I’m angry at the person I love the most, it feels awful.

Sometimes I feel angry that I’ve been put in a position to be angry. Or guilty that I feel angry. Sometimes the anger feels so uncomfortable that I just want to get away from it.

Today I know that anger can set off in us an urge to do something. Either we have an urge to lash out (lecture, scold, control, yell) or to swing the other way and push it all down (placate, avoid, ignore.)

Both ways sometimes seem to work. For instance, lashing out in anger can feel good. It gives some relief and many times it seems to work when our loved one perks up and listens or finally does what we’ve been telling them forever to do. But lashing out can leave us feeling guilty, leaves our loved ones feeling resentful, and doesn’t always solve the problem that triggered the anger in the first place.

While sometimes we lash out, we also can experience an urge to suppress. This can seem to work too because then we don’t risk any conflict. And sometimes what we push away seems to eventually go away. But then lots of parents notice that anger has a way of showing back up or that the underlying issue that triggered the anger never got resolved.

But what if we stopped seeing anger as a problem? What if we saw it as a signal – not to do something but instead a signal to pause?

After all, anger gives us information. It may be signaling that a boundary has been violated. Or that we’re overwhelmed or depleted. Or sometimes anger covers up our fears. For instance, we may experience anger but underlying the anger may be fear for our child’s wellbeing. Sometimes our anger stems from past experiences, like a parent's disrespect or a friend's abandonment.

Anger isn’t the problem. It’s how we respond to it. Pausing helps.

Pausing means pausing. Not pushing the feeling away. But pausing – taking a moment. Feeling the feeling while also taking a breath. Taking a breath before we do something. While it’s counter intuitive, pausing helps so that we don’t give into an urge which has the potential to sabotage us or sabotage our relationship. Pausing helps to reduce the intensity of the feeling and restore our ability to think clearly so that we can respond in a way that lines up with our values.

For instance, Jane and Nick felt angry with their adolescent son. They reacted to their anger by scolding, lecturing, warning him about the trouble he would face if things didn’t change. But nothing changed. In fact, their son was getting angrier and sneakier. Then they learned to pause. Pausing helped them to eventually feel calmer and to see things more reasonably. They recognized how their anger was masking their fear. They were then able to articulate their concern and manage the situation more effectively. Pausing helped to eventually cultivate more regulation at home and more harmony with their son.

Or Ella. She had long learned to suppress her anger out of fear. But then she learned to pause. She recognized feelings of anger that she was accepting intolerable behavior from her daughter. By pausing, she was able to be okay not feeling okay and to address previously avoided issues. With consistent practice, she realized she was building resilience and that this was also helping to promote her daughter’s resilience.

Practices to Support the Pause

· I’m noticing angry thoughts. Making this statement, rather than engaging in angry thoughts, helps us be aware of the anger without being hijacked by it. When we are hijacked by anger, we are more likely to be reactive. Less likely to respond wisely.

· I’m angry and it’s okay that I’m angry. For some people, anger can feel scary or uncomfortable. If that’s the case, give yourself grace. This helps us to navigate this normal, sometimes very uncomfortable emotion.

· What do I need in this moment? Focusing on what someone else is doing wrong or how terrible you’re feeling intensifies anger. Focusing on what we need reduces anger, increases resilience, and helps us navigate the situation more effectively.

If you feel angry, know that it’s okay. See it as a signal to pause.

What might your anger be telling you? What would it look like to pause?