The Parenting Shift: Why Taking Care of You Comes First
A recent study from the American Psychological Association has found that the mere act of parenting is affecting our mental health. In fact, the Surgeon General has issued an advisory to call attention to the stress and mental health concerns facing parents and caregivers.
I know about the stress of parenting. I also know how it can impact the way we show up as parents. Years ago, when I was struggling with my own kid, I was reluctant to reach out for help. Fortunately, the support that I received was like a salve. I felt relief and acceptance and was eventually able to think more clearly. After years of dismissing my own feelings and helping everyone else, I realized I was parenting out of a place of stress, fear and worry. This was impacting my parenting and impacting those around me.
Today, I understand how important it is for parents to take care of their own wellbeing. While it seems counterintuitive, it’s really quite powerful. When we are well – emotionally, physically, and spiritually – we parent more effectively. For example, we have an easier time maintaining calm which helps to promote calm in others around us. We are less likely to spiral into negative and anxious thinking. We are better able to listen calmly and openly without giving into automatic responses. We increase our capacity for empathy and connection. We make clearer, more consistent decisions. Finally, practicing skills teaches our kids healthy habits by example.
Tending to yourself first can mean:
Give yourself grace. Whatever you’re feeling, know that it is completely okay. While there’s a tendency to judge ourselves for whatever it is we’re feeling, it just makes everything feel worse. Giving ourselves grace is a powerful way to reduce distress which helps us respond wisely to our kids (and to life) rather than to react emotionally.
Create rituals to practice presence. Make soup, bake bread, knit, work a jigsaw puzzle, read a novel or a memoir, write letters, take a hike. Practicing presence is an excellent skill to cultivate since it improves our ability to wisely respond rather than emotionally react. Plus, it’s an excellent skill to model and then share with others.
Notice the blessings. Parenting is often stressful. And when things are stressful, there’s a tendency to filter information negatively. We fare better and respond to challenges more thoughtfully when we make a conscious effort to notice the blessings. Keeping a gratitude journal, making a daily intention to notice the blessings, noticing what’s right about others and letting them know are excellent practices.
Take care of yourself. Commit to taking good care of yourself– eat nutritious food, get adequate sleep, call a friend every day, notice the beautiful things around you, practice self-compassion.
Let yourself be supported. This might mean talking with a trusted friend, connecting with other parents, or receiving professional support. Support helps us feel steadier, clearer, and less alone.
Give compassion to parents everywhere. Care and concern for others enhances our sense of well-being, an essential ingredient for dealing with the challenges associated with parenting.
We need this. Our families need this. Taking care – it creates a steadier, warmer, more supportive environment where we thrive and our families thrive.