When Parenting Feels Like a Roller Coaster: What to Do When Everything Feels Wrong
I used to think that whatever I was thinking must be true. Today I know that when I’m spiraling into despair, predicting a catastrophe, or seething with resentment, it’s likely that my brain has gone off line, that I’m reacting to intense emotions and not to the reality of my situation. I also know that as a parent, I’m more vulnerable to intense emotions. If I didn’t love my kids so much, my emotions might not be so intense.
It helps to create a menu of strategies (while calm) that we can use during these times. This way we:
Avoid making things harder for ourselves and our kids.
Maintain a calm space for our kids’ emotions without taking them on ourselves.
Preserve the relationship. It’s always better to discuss a situation when we’re calmer and not try to figure it out when we’re in high distress.
Model healthy coping. Kids benefit when they see us handling strong feelings with care.
Here are some ideas:
1. Stop. Pause and take ten deep breaths. When emotions are high it is not the time to discuss a problem or to make a decision or to resolve a conflict. In fact, it’s the worst time. Train yourself to stop, pause and breathe. This moves us from high emotion to a wiser mindset so that we can respond more effectively.
2. Reach out for support. We need each other. Talk to someone who is encouraging and validating.
3. Change your posture. Relax, stand tall, shoulders back, forehead relaxed. When parents change their posture from collapsed or tense, they send a powerful message to their brain that they’re safe, they can handle this.
4. Do something to clear your mind. Go outside, take a walk, drink some cold water, write a letter, listen to music.
5. Practice acceptance. Accept that today you don’t feel so well. Accept that today your kid is challenging. Acceptance, not to be confused with approval, lowers emotional intensity so that you can think more clearly and respond more effectively.
6. Look for the silver lining. This does not mean dismissing the concerns, the challenges. It means to acknowledge the challenges while also looking for the positives. This is a powerful way to shift your perspective which can help move you from highly reactive to more responsive.
7. Use mantras, affirmations, or prayers. This can help to reduce emotional suffering.
Remember – these strategies don’t solve the situation, but they can help parents move from a highly intense emotion to a more regulated emotion. And when parents are regulated, they are better able to think more clearly and respond more effectively.
I love hearing from parents! What are some strategies that you find helpful when you’re in the heat of the moment?