The more you ask, the less they say: a new way to cultivate connection

Your child used to happily chat with you about her day. Tell you about her plans, the games she and her best friend invented, her aspirations for when she grows up.

Your son used to talk, and talk, and talk. And talk.

Now your loved one is older and getting them to talk can seem impossible. When this happens, most of us instinctively try something. But sometimes the more we try, the less they say.

Here are five common responses and more helpful approaches if you want to cultivate connection.

1. We typically insist that they talk. After all, we know the relief that can come from airing out our problems. But many young people have emotions that are big and complex and trying to get them to talk when they don’t want to can create more distress.

Consider this approach - If your loved one isn’t talking, take a step back and maintain presence and calm. Many parents discover that when they take a step back, their loved one is more likely to reach out.

2. We typically jump to conclusions. Since he was an infant, you’ve learned to tune in to his emotions and behaviors to determine his needs. Now he’s a mystery. Jumping to conclusions often makes things worse.

Consider this approach - If you suspect something is going on then say something, “you’ve been really quiet, is there something going on?” or “I can’t help but wonder that you might be worried about something. Do you want to talk?” If they say no, let it go. Make a commitment to practice presence and calm. Remember, our calm promotes their calm. This is exactly what young people need to navigate their emotions.

3. We typically assume we’ve done something wrong. It’s not uncommon for parents to assume they’ve done something wrong. However, when they stop talking it’s often a sign of healthy development – not a sign that you’ve done something wrong.

Consider this approach – It helps to remember that young people need space to think, feel, and form opinions. This quiet phase is part of becoming their own person.

4. We typically say something out of anger. It isn’t uncommon for parents to feel angry when their loved one doesn’t want to talk. After all, it can feel as though you have turned your life upside down for your kid.

Consider this approach - Rather than giving into your anger, focus on how you want to be – calm, centered, wise.

5. We typically pull away. When a loved one pulls away, it can be tempting for a parent to pull away. However, you want to maintain connection.

Consider this approach - Instead of pulling away, stay present. This approach eases distress and gives parents greater ability to be supportive and cultivate connection.

Trusting our instincts may work in many situations, but it can sometimes create problems when parenting. Next time your loved one goes silent, try these responses - take a step back, maintain presence and calm, understand your loved one, and focus on how you want to be.

My mission is to support parents with practical tools and compassionate guidance so they can cultivate resilience, deepen connection, and parent with confidence and peace.