WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU FEEL IMPACTED BY someone you love
When someone you love is overwhelmed, it can land on you too. Their tone, energy, emotions can pull you in before you even realize what’s happening. Suddenly, you’re reacting, fixing, shutting down, or saying things you don’t mean.
What if the goal isn’t to stop being impacted? What if the goal is to discover how to remain centered while navigating it?
Here are tips that can help:
1. Remember your goal. Your goal isn’t to change them or fix them or escape the situation. The goal isn’t to make them happy nor is it to convince them that you’re right. The goal is to stay present and centered. When people stay focused on their goal rather than the distress that they are experiencing, they have a greater chance of being successful. This means that you can still feel sad or mad or worried, but that you maintain focus on your goal.
2. Give yourself grace. What are you feeling? Scared, worried, confused, angry, sad? Give yourself grace, I feel mad, it’s okay that I feel mad. I feel worried, no wonder I feel worried. Then you are better able to navigate the situation – I need to stay focused on right now since spiraling into the future isn’t helping or I need to determine a plan to address this issue. Responding to emotions with grace gives people greater ability to respond to life rather than react to life. Exactly what we want to pass on to the people we love most.
3. Reframe. In distress, there’s a tendency to judge. Judging your child, he’s so ungrateful or she’s so manipulative. Or judging yourself, I’m so impatient. Judging makes everything worse. Use reframing instead. Rather than he’s ungrateful try he’s learning to navigate challenging situations. Or instead of she’s so manipulative, try she’s doing things to get her needs met. Instead of I’m so impatient, try I’m incredibly patient and their behavior has pushed me over the limit. Reframing improves a person’s ability to think clearly, and problem solve creatively. Let go of judgments. Try reframing instead.
4. Recognize your urge. Everyone has an urge when they experience an emotion. Your kid’s urge may be to blame you, or to scream, or to give up. Parents similarly have an urge when they experience distress. You might have an urge to fix or criticize, or to spiral into guilt and self-blame. Giving into urges can sometimes feel good in the short term but in the long term make things worse. Pay attention to your urge. Determine a plan to get you through the urge (take a run, call a friend, drink some cold water, say a prayer) rather than give into the urge. Once the urge passes, you have a greater chance of responding effectively.
5. Reduce vulnerability. If you’ve been rushing around or taking care of everyone else, you’re less likely to be patient. If you’ve been overworking, you’re more apt to get highjacked by your loved one’s emotions and behavior. Reduce your emotional vulnerability by making a daily intention to ensure your well-being. Get adequate sleep, reach out to supportive people, learn a new hobby, participate in activities that bring you joy. People have a greater chance of responding skillfully when they make a commitment to ensure their well-being.
This is the heart of the work I care about - helping women and parents feel more steady, more connected, and more confident in moments that often feel overwhelming.