Bringing Out the Best in Others Starts With Us
“People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be.” – Carl Rogers
When others around us do things that displease us, we can get overwhelmed, anxious, or triggered. Then we are likely to give into emotional reactions, like punishing, scolding, overmanaging, lecturing, rescuing, or avoiding. Or sometimes we might give off an energy and a tone that communicates urgency, frustration, disapproval.
While our reactions are understandable, they rarely bring out the best in the ones we love. In fact, our reactions can sometimes trigger in others urges to defend, shut down, or resist – exactly the opposite of what we’d love to bring out in those we love the most.
What if we shifted?
What if we stopped focusing on changing others and instead focused on changing how we show up. What if we shifted from changing them to changing ourselves, from being reactive to being in a good place.
When we are in a good place, we have the ability to:
pause before giving into an emotional reaction
notice our thoughts rather than get triggered by them
tolerate discomfort without reacting to it
Then we are more likely to:
notice what’s going right and reinforce that
rely on limits and teaching rather than punishment
use consequences thoughtfully instead of reactively
provide support rather than rescue
maintain love and support while also setting appropriate limits
speak with love rather than with an intention to control
We’re no longer trying to force change. Instead, we’re providing conditions where positive change is more likely.
But how do we get into that good place?
Be mindful. When we cultivate mindfulness, we stay in the moment, notice rather than react, tolerate distress so that we don’t give into an unhelpful urge, think more wisely, and shift from reacting to responding.
Let go of outcomes. When we cling to outcomes, urgency takes over. When we let go of needing things to be a certain way, we’re able to be more present, more compassionate, and more thoughtful about how we respond. And from that place, we bring out the best in the people that we love.
Slow down. Rushing around makes us more at risk of reacting. Being effective requires us to slow down. Then we can take a breath before responding. We can say “let me think about it” before giving into an impulsive response. We can wait to address something when we are more grounded.
Enlist support. The older I get the more I realize how much we need others. When we’re overwhelmed, our perspective narrows and we lose access to our wisest self. Enlisting support – whether that’s a trusted a friend, a therapist, a mentor, or a partner – helps us to regulate, see things more clearly, reminds us of our intentions, and helps us to show up in a way that feels good. One of the best things we can do is to remember not to parent in isolation!
Practice acceptance. Acceptance, not to be confused with approval, means that we acknowledge reality as it is right now. It doesn’t mean we stop guiding, teaching, or setting limits. It means that we accept what is happening, what we’re feeling, and what our loved ones are going through. Acceptance moves us from resistance (which increases distress, urgency, frustration, and reactivity) so that we can soften. When we soften, we can respond in a way that actually helps. And our loved ones are more likely to feel safer, less judged, and less likely to defend themselves.
When others around us do things that displease us, we are prone to reactions that are understandable, but that rarely bring out the best in the ones we love. We can do something different. We can stop focusing on changing others and instead focus on changing how we show up.
When we learn to steady ourselves – being mindful, letting go of outcomes, slowing down, enlisting support, and practicing acceptance – we don’t just feel better, we create the kind of space where others can grow into their best selves.