what to do when your kid refuses to go to school

Or What to Do Any Time Avoidance is a Problem 

Years ago, I spoke with a mother whose daughter’s first experience with anxiety started in middle school. Initially, the mother said she was sympathetic and allowed her daughter to stay home from school for a “mental health day.” But then she noticed her daughter started avoiding other things – family dinners, church, and social events that she used to enjoy. Concerned, the mother scheduled for her daughter to participate in therapy and was pleased that her daughter was willing to go and seemed happier after every session. But the avoidant behaviors continued.

Teens and Anxiety

Many teens experience emotions intensely. Hormonal changes, academic challenges, social media, the desire to fit in, decisions about college, conflict with parents – these things can sometimes create intolerable emotions that many teens aren’t equipped to handle. A teen learns to alleviate their distress by finding ways to escape or avoid. They ask a parent to pick them up from school. They avoid social activities. They ask to stay home for a “mental health day.” They spend what seems like endless amounts of time on social media. These behaviors, escaping or avoiding, bring immediate relief to a teen. The problem is that avoidance can lessen a teen’s tolerance of distress and can become a pattern of coping. 

What's a Parent to Do?

Respond with Balance

First, regulate. Parents discover that when they focus first on regulating themselves – finding calm and presence even when anxious and distressed – they experience an improved ability to think clearly and rationally. Plus, when a parent is regulated, a teen is more likely to regulate. Breathing helps.

Second, listen mindfully. Teens learn to deal with their struggles when we provide a calm and attentive space and when we practice deep listening rather than jumping to giving advice or trying to cheer them up. Let your teen know that what they’re feeling makes sense.

Third, accept that your teen feels the way they feel while maintaining a belief that they’re capable of change. The goal isn’t to get them out of uncomfortable feelings but to help them navigate their feelings effectively. 

Model Mindfulness. There’s plenty of evidence that mindfulness (being present in the moment) reduces anxiety and increases emotional resilience. Parents can’t make their teen practice mindfulness. (In fact, sometimes the more a parent tries to convince them of the benefits of mindfulness, the more the teen will resist.) The best approach is when a parent practices and models mindfulness.

Breathing through challenging emotions, focusing on the moment, slowing down, and doing one thing at a time are effective ways to practice being in the moment. 

Model Avoiding Avoidance. Years ago, I worked with a father who, like his son, used avoidance. Determined to model healthy skills, he decided to do one thing every day that he didn’t want to do. So instead of putting off a phone call, he mindfully made the phone call. Instead of avoiding addressing a concern with his partner, he mindfully addressed the concern. And every time he felt the urge to avoid, he did the opposite. Mindfully. Notice how you manage stress and anxiety and ensure you are modeling healthy skills. Remember teens typically pay more attention to what you do and less attention to what you tell them to do.

Get Support from Others. Reaching out to supports - teachers, school counselors, your teen’s therapist, and other supportive persons - is an incredibly wise strategy that parents can use to deal with challenging situations involving their teen. If you don’t feel supported and validated, then seek out support where you do feel validated. Teens can present challenges which are often extremely stressful. It is essential that parents acquire the support and validation that they need. Don’t try to do this alone. When parents feel supported, teens ultimately benefit. It’s also wise to communicate with your teen’s therapist. Don’t assume that your teen is giving them all the information that they need to know. Speak with the therapist if you fear that your teen is using avoidance to deal with emotions.

Attend to Your Own Well-Being. Parenting a teen can leave a parent feeling emotionally drained. Many parents feel judged and overwhelmed. Parents respond more effectively when they attend to their own well-being. Doing things to improve physical health, creating rituals to practice mindfulness, scheduling activities that bring joy, and ensuring time with supportive friends is a wise way to promote a parent’s sense of well-being which ultimately benefits a teen.  

Change takes time. But the efforts that parents make, one day at a time, are worth it. 

Our mission is to support parents of teens.   

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