How to feel good about saying no To your teen
Sometimes it’s just easier to give in. Say yes and your anxious teen finally cheers up. Give in and your angry teen is now happy. You get a sense of relief and sometimes a much desired, You’re the best parent ever!
On the other hand, saying no isn’t as pleasant. Saying no requires you to experience your teen’s distress and sometimes your own distress which can feel intolerable.
It’s easier to say yes.
But sometimes giving in and saying yes to a teen can backfire. They fail to learn lessons. Or they get used to getting what they want. And sometimes you’re giving into things that aren’t good for them, like too much screen time.
Saying yes can become a pattern and leave a parent feeling resentful. Over time this resentment can build up.
It’s not always easy to know when to say yes and when to say no.
How can a parent know when to say no?
If saying yes will cause you to go against your values, then say no.
If saying yes will prevent your teen from experiencing consequences, then say no.
If saying yes will leave you angry or resentful, then say no.
How do you say no and feel good about it?
1. Stay focused on your goal. The goal isn’t to please your teen. The goal is to raise a skillful adult.
2. Say no in a way that feels good to you. Sometimes parents feel angry when they’re put in the position of having to say no. Don’t give into your anger. Instead, say no with compassion.
No, sweetheart. I remember we decided that homework must be completed before you get access to your game system.
Honey, I can’t get you out of trouble. How do you want to handle this?
The point is to speak with love and care.
3. The less you talk, the better. Overtalking, overexplaining, defending your limit is tempting. But this tends to fuel their distress. Try the broken record technique if necessary.
I don’t want to argue about it. I’m sticking to my decision.
I don’t want to argue about it. I’m sticking to my decision.
I don’t want to argue about it. I’m sticking to my decision.
4. Before you say no, be sure you mean it. It’s always okay to say let me think about it before saying no. If you give in after their persistent efforts to get you to change your mind, you have reinforced their persistence and are increasing the chances that this will continue.
5. Take a break if you need to. If emotions start to rise, take a break. This ensures the ability to think clearly, listen effectively, and respond thoughtfully. The key is to take a break skillfully: let your teen know what you’re doing, then return to the conversation nonce your feel more steady.
6. Know that it is okay for your teen to experience distress – the key is learning to tolerate their distress without absorbing it. Their upset doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong – it means they’re having a human experience.
Remember this – Sometimes the easiest response is not always the wisest. But when parents respond to their teens wisely, teens have a better chance.