When You Love Someone Who Is Sensitive

Sensitive people feel things intensely. Anger or irritation can feel like rage. Discomfort or confusion may register as panic. Sadness or boredom sometimes gets interpreted as depression.

But here’s the thing. Sensitivity can be a gift. After all, people with intense emotions can use their passion to create change in the world, they are often more creative, and they have the capacity to cultivate rich and meaningful relationships. But too often, these intense emotions can feel like a curse. And because many people don’t have the capacity to deal, they frequently turn to unskillful behaviors to cope – defying authority, behaving aggressively, shutting down emotionally, avoiding, isolating, using substances. Over time these ways of coping become habitual, sabotaging someone’s potential to live a satisfying and effective life.

How we respond to a sensitive loved one can make a powerful difference. We can respond in a way that helps lessen their emotional intensity while also cultivating resilience – our own resilience and theirs.

Here are common responses and more effective ones:

Common Response #1: Take on their distress. If you have a loved one who is sensitive, it’s hard not to take on their distress. But then they can feel it. This further adds to their distress. A more helpful response is to focus on staying present and centered. This helps us see clearly and respond thoughtfully – which is impossible when we’re overwhelmed by their distress. Finally, our presence and centeredness can be contagious. Our calm helps to promote theirs.

Common Response #2: Tell someone not to worry. Telling someone not to worry can sometimes make someone feel unheard. This can further intensify their already intense emotions. A more helpful response is to validate – to respond in a way that lets our loved one know that we accept their experience. Sometimes validation might be just being present and deeply listening. It may also mean accepting our loved one’s mood. We might also offer validating statements – “That does sound hard, no wonder you feel that way” or “That makes sense. How do you want to handle this?” or “Would you like me to listen or would you like some advice?” Validation helps to reduce the intensity of emotions and helps someone learn to trust their feelings.

Common Response #3: Save them from distress. Saving someone from distress is tempting but it reduces their tolerance of stress and interferes with their ability to build resilience. A much more effective approach is when we provide a calm and attentive space and offer support rather than save them from distress. This approach helps them work through and then respond to challenges rather than react to or escape challenges. They become better at adapting, problem solving, and bouncing back.

This is the heart of the work I care about - helping women and parents feel more steady, more connected, and more confident in moments that often feel overwhelming.